


The Red Handkerchief

by flawedM



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Love, Recovery, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:51:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1954089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawedM/pseuds/flawedM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky met someone during an Avengers mission. And she slowly takes more an more space in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kamikazekatze](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kamikazekatze).



**Chapter 1**

Bucky was nervous. Thank god Steve didn’t allow Tony to have fun about it, otherwise something bad could have happened. Steve knew, obviously. Steve always knew everything and was watching over him like a mother hen ever since he joined them at Stark Tower. It was hard at first, because it was  _his job_ to take care of Steve, and not the other way around. That was the only thing he could really remember. But he gave up after a while. Steve helped him go through all the new things from this century, he prevented the others to ask him questions whose answers would’ve made everyone embarrassed. Bucky slowly got more and more involved in the Avenger initiative.

Bucky was half certain Tony knew he was the one who killed his parents. The guy was always so cold and always looking for a soft spot to hit. With words of course. But Tony was quite good with words. Unlike Bucky. He still didn’t like to talk. He was more physical. And having a metal arm and a certain strength tends to prevent you from being physically challenged. The only one he wasn’t sure to be able to beat was the Norse God… And the woman. That one was tough, and training with her was always… eventful. He never got to see the green thing, but as a human, he was sure he could beat Banner, even with his metal arm tied up.

Anyway, Bucky was quite certain, even if Steve didn’t see him save her, that he knew there was  _someone_. And he was right, as ever. It was the third time Bucky was allowed to go on a mission with the Avengers. As always, Steve had to watch over him to make sure he didn’t do anything he wasn’t supposed to. Bucky was sorry for his friend because he already had much to do, but after everything Bucky did in his past, he couldn’t blame Fury and Coulson not to entirely trust him. Damn, he didn’t even entirely trust himself. But during the fight, they got separated. And that when he saw her. She was stuck in a car wreck, probably put upside down during the battle. She was crying for help. As he get closer, he could see how scared she was. She looked like a deer stuck in the glare of headlights. She finally saw him and begged him to help her and get her out. Which, of course, he did. It was the first time ever he actually  _saved someone_. She looked at him with so much gratitude, that he had to step back. She was in pain, she was crying but she was beautiful. He could see she was afraid, but not of him. It was the very first person (apart from Steve) that didn’t look at him with fear or suspicion. He took off his mask, and forced himself to talk.

"What is your name?", he said

"I’m… I’m Kim", she stammered, still in shock.

"Kim, I have to go help the others, I want you to stay here, you’ll be safe… I promise."

"I trust you"

It felt like a shot through the heart. How could she? Didn’t she know he was a monster? He felt so sick about himself, he ran away from her, back to the battle. Once it was over, he told Natasha where she was so she can send her help. He didn’t want to see her again. He didn’t understand what was going on with him. She trusted him, he could see it in her eyes, and it warmed him up in a way he had not felt for years… for decades. He didn’t know how to handle that feeling, and now he was the scared one. What he knew is that no one should want to be around him. He was a monster. A killer. He decided to forget about her.

But she kept coming back in his dreams. He was seeing her in danger and he was so paralyzed by the fear of losing her he couldn’t do anything. Of course Steve wondered what was happening, he could see it, but he never asked. He knew Bucky had his own personal hell to deal with, and it was a tacit agreement between them not to talk about it, except when Bucky wanted to.

Then one day, Miss Potts handed him a letter. The first one he ever got since he arrived. And it was from her.

"Dear Mr Barnes,

I hope my letter finds you well. I was hoping to see you again at the end of the battle. I was scared something happened to you. I saw in the news you were fine. That's where I heard your name.  I want to thank you for saving my life. You are the bravest man I’ve ever met. Can we please meet again?

Sincerely,

Kim”

That’s when he decided to go and see Steve. He would understand. He would help. Find a way to tell her it was the worst idea ever. That he was unworthy. But he never had been so wrong. Steve told him it would be great to go and see her, both for the public opinion and for himself. And he told Natasha. Natasha with who Bucky had a lot in common. She was probably the most comfortable one around him, even if he knew she didn’t entirely trust him. But she didn’t seem to trust anyone either, so… She told him it would be good to go at it again, that it was a great opportunity.. She didn’t understand. No one understood. But they both pushed him so much he had to call her, in front of them. They were to meet the next day. Bucky did not sleep that night. What if something went wrong? What if he lost control and he did something to her? It’ been a long time since the last time… But he could remember he nearly killed Hawkeye that night. He couldn’t allow this to happen again. He would just stay long enough to tell her to go on with her life and forget about him…

 


	2. Chapter 2

His plan had failed miserably. He couldn’t tell her anything he had rehearsed in his mind. She was so bright, so happy about everything. She was a student from Germany and she was here for an internship. She told him they weren’t that much into superheroes and all back in Europe, that’s why she didn’t know who he was at first. He was fine with that. Kim asked him if he had time to take her on a guided tour of the city. He had to say no, he wanted to but… he just couldn’t. Thank god it was winter, so he could hide his arm under long sleeves and gloves and not be recognized by anyone. He had spent so much time trying to be invisible he was always uncomfortable when people stared at him.

That was their first date. They kept on seeing each other, on nearly daily basis. Bucky would sneak out of Stark Tower, without telling anyone where he was going. He knew Natasha and Steve were both covering for him. From Tony mostly, who was very curious about everything he did. From Coulson and Fury as well. Bucky knew they didn’t want him to be trapped into talking.

Every time he was with her was like he started to breathe again. She never seemed disgusted or afraid by him. She… well she just treated him like a human being, but he was so not used to that anymore, he didn’t know how to deal with it. Suspicion and fear he treated with silence. But with her he was lost. Most of the time she did all the talking, every time she saw he just couldn’t talk she would start talking again. She wasn’t self-centered at all though, Bucky knew she was talking for him, because he couldn’t and she felt how much it hurt him not to be able to be “normal”.

It went on for weeks. Bucky showed Kim most of the city, she forced him to watch all the movies he had missed, which took quite a long time because there were many that Kim found unacceptable not to be known. But these were nice times. It was quiet, she was sitting close to him, in the dark. The first time they sat together to watch a movie, he accidently touched her hand with the “wrong” arm. He froze, expecting her to withdraw with disgust. Instead of it, Kim asked if she could see it. She asked him if it hurt, how it worked, if he could feel her touch. Bucky was even more lost, and she saw it, because she stopped the conversation right away and started the movie. Something about a small man with hairy feet that had to destroy a ring. He couldn’t remember much of it, because he spent the whole movie wondering why she was still sitting next to him. How she could know he just wasn’t able to talk about it. Why she still wanted to see him every day. He was so deeply buried in his thoughts he didn’t even see the movie was over. It was just when Kim leaned over and planted a light kiss on his lips that he came back to reality. She blushed, which made her even more beautiful, and she stood there. He knew she was waiting for him to act, but he couldn’t do anything. All he could think of was all the pain he would make her go through if he let her come any closer. So he ran away, like a thief.

She called a few times, but he ignored it. If she couldn’t see he was a danger, he would have to make sure she stay away from him. It was painful, and he was gloomier than he had been for a long time. Steve ended up asking him what happened. He told him everything.

"Maybe you should let her choose. I mean you’re beating yourself up for your past, you’re not that guy anymore. If you want her to know the truth, tell her, and see what she think of it. Maybe she will still be here. Bucky you can’t push her away, you have to stop hating yourself."

"You don’t understand…"

"Believe me, I do. Just write her if you don’t want to talk to her. It’s an order Sergeant."

Bucky forced himself to smile. Why not? At least she would know. Know who he really was, why she was better with him as far away as possible. He started to write, struggling to find the right words.

_My dearest Kim,_

_There are no words to explain what you did to me. I was dead inside, and you brought me back to life. I was certain of my unworthiness, you proved me I could still be needed. I thought I was a monster, not once have you seemed afraid of me. Steve tells me I shouldn’t be afraid to tell you what I feel, for if you feel the same, you won’t judge me for my past. I truly hope he’s right, but deep down I know you’d better run away from me. Please find with this letter my story. I won’t hide you anything, because you deserve the truth._

_I love you._

_Eternally yours,_

_Bucky._

He never expected to tell her that. But he refused to think about it and started to write down everything he could remember. He didn’t hide a thing, he talked about the torture, but also about the missions. He talked about the nightmares he had, about the memory loss. About how one night he woke up with steve on his back and his hands around Clint’s throat, after a vivid nightmare. He still couldn’t forgive himself for that. If he had not woken up, Clint might have died. He wanted her to understand he was a danger, a monster. He wasn’t worth loving, he was a disease she should protect herself from. He sent the letter as he wrote it, not really expecting any answer.

But Kim arrived one day at Stark Tower, asking to see him. He thought that she would be scared, terrified, even disgusted, because that was what he was used to. She was… angry. Really angry.

"Do you think I didn’t know most of this?", she yelled at him as soon as they were alone.

He probably looked dumb, with a surprised look on his face. What was she talking about?

"You know, most of your story is online now. I looked for your name as soon as I went out of the hospital. I knew what happened to you even before I wrote you my first letter!"

"Then you know I’m a monster. You should leave me."

"Don’t you dare calling yourself a monster, James Barnes! You have been through more horror than most of us, and none of what you had to do was your fault!"

"That isn’t true, I…"

"You said it yourself, you were tortured! For God sake, you were brainwashed! You saved your best friend so many times, and once without even knowing exactly who he was… Tell me, would a monster do that for anyone?”

"You don’t understand, I’m dangerous, I could…"

"I don’t care, Bucky. I don’t. Really. Please don’t push me away. I know you wouldn’t hurt me, I can see it in your eyes. Please don’t leave me…"

She came closer. Bucky closed his eyes, fighting the urge to kiss her, stepping back, but she didn’t let him flee this time. She gently hugged him. She was soft, her perfume was everywhere, relaxing and he just let himself go in her arms. He felt fine. Comfortable. He belonged there.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky was still unsure about what to do. Kim left after he promised to go see her the next day. He locked himself up in his room, for he knew Tony would be like an excited puppy who just found a new bone to gnaw and he wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. Everything went so wrong. Why didn’t she understand? Didn’t she see?

 

Bucky knew he had to deal with the anxiety, the panic he could feel rising in his chest. He couldn’t lose control, that was too dangerous for everyone. He sat down and stuffed his head in his hands, breathing as slowly and as deeply as he could. He knew that if he didn’t deal with it as quickly as possible, the flashbacks would come again. The torture, the memory loss. Like someone stole his mind. Again. He was dangerous when the crisis occurred. He didn’t recognize anyone and he fought whoever was in his way. It never lasted, though a couple of time they had to knock him out. He always felt terrible after these. Even if he could feel they didn’t all trust him, he felt like he betrayed them every time he was failing. They welcomed him, they took care of him, they even tried to involve him in their action, and all he could give them as thanks were sleepless nights, broken furniture and bruises… When not broken bones.

 

He knew Steve didn’t blame him for anything. He just could see in his eyes how it hurt him every time, and it was even worse. Bucky didn’t want Steve to feel sorry for him, he didn’t even want him to worry about him. As for the others… Natasha never seemed to mind about anything, nor did Clint. Bruce was always trying to stay away from him. Steve told him it wasn’t against him and Bruce was that way with almost everyone. The others were never there on regular basis, they just came and went. Except for Tony. Who was always joking around, even around him, but Bucky always felt Tony was colder with him. Steve told him he was the same way with himself to begin with and it would get better with time. That he wasn’t a good team player, but he was improving. Well at least, Bucky and Tony had one thing in common… for all that mattered.

 

He heard the door, opening and closing again. Probably Steve. Maybe Natasha. The others never came by his room.

 

"So Grandpa, having a hard time dealing with the girl?"

 

Well, fuck. Tony.

 

"You know, you shouldn’t complicate things too much. Whether you like it or not, I think you are going to be stuck with that wonderful lady who just left us."

 

Bucky rose his head.

 

"I can’t let her take the risk", he whispered.

 

"Trust me on that, she’ll take it even if you don’t want her to. Don’t think women are fools. I don’t know how they were in your time, but now they will just do as they want. Look at Potts. I never wanted her to be stuck in this nonsense, and yet I can’t get rid of her !", Tony added with a grin.

 

Bucky stared at him for a while, wondering why Tony was here.

 

"I know you think I don’t like you", Tony explained, his smile fading away. "And you’re probably right, I didn’t help you as much as I could’ve since you arrived here. It’s hard for me to talk about it. I think you can relate. I know what happened to my parents. And deep down I know it wasn’t you. Just leave me the time to handle it, would you? And don’t think I don’t appreciate you, grandpa! It’s always nice to have elderly people around", he added, laughing, as he stood up and walked to the door. "You’re thinking too much Bucky. Just enjoy the ride!"

 

Tony was gone. But with him was gone most of the panic. Bucky may have been wrong about him after all. Maybe he should listen to him. Anyway, he promised to see her tomorrow, and he couldn’t not hold his word, could he? And he would make sure nothing happened. He swore to himself he would never hurt her, as if it could be enough.

 

 

He didn’t plan this at all. She was waiting for him, and when he arrived she jumped in his arms and kissed him before he could even do anything else but catch her to prevent her from falling. She asked him what he wanted to do and they decided they both preferred something quiet. So she told him they could watch the second part of the hairy-feeted guy adventure. Bucky was fine with it. Whatever she wanted, he just felt good and he would’ve done anything for her.

 

He sat on her couch, and after starting the dvd, she came along and took his arm to put it around her waist. God only knows what the movie was about again, his mind was monopolized by the feeling of her fingers gently moving on his skin. He had forgotten what it was to have a normal relation with anyone. Just enjoying the little things, spending time together. When she rose to kiss him, she took him by surprise, again. That was starting to get too far, he had to stop her, grab her hand before she put it under his shirt and…. What was that he wanted to do? She completely owned him. How the hell did she manage to do that? He felt as if it was the first time, though his body seemed to remember perfectly what was happening, his mind was rediscovering how marvelous it was to love, to be loved.

 

They never saw the end of the movie. Whatever, Bucky couldn’t even say what happened in the first one, so…. But he would tell Kim, because she seemed to take it pretty seriously. He would stole her dvd to watch it again, without her distracting him. They fell asleep on the couch, she was snuggling up in his arm and their legs were tangled. He could feel her breathing softly in her sleep. He slept better than he ever did for weeks.

 

When he woke up, he felt Kim’s fingers going up and down his chest, on his bionic arm and on his chest again. He couldn’t help shivering and he gently took her hand in his.

 

"I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to bother you", she immediately apologized.

 

"Don’t… I’m just not used to that anymore … it’s not your fault"

 

She gave him a quick kiss and smiled.

 

"How… How don’t you mind about that?" he asked, waving his left arm under her nose

 

"Why would I bother?", she asked, her smile turning slightly mocking. "You perfectly know how to use it, Sergeant… I have nothing to complain about!"

 

Bucky smiled and blushed, burying his head in her long hair. Kim started to laugh and said

 

"What do you want to have for dinner?"

 

"I have to go back to Stark Tower, I…"

 

"Bucky, you’re nearly a century old… I think you can spend one night away from home without asking permission, can’t you?" she interrupted him.

 

He smiled, unable to understand the effect she had on him. He embraced her tighter, and she laughed again. Her laugh resounded in his chest, and he wanted to stay like this forever. But she struggled, still laughing.

 

"Would you tell me what you want to have for dinner??"

 

"You!" he answered, eagerly kissing her.

 

She laughed again, and let herself go on that kiss. He stroke her hair, her back and…

 

"Stop it, Sergeant Barnes. I have some cooking to do!"

 

He moaned in despair as she left him alone on the couch. He watched her getting dressed, with his eyes half-closed. She planted a last kiss on his lips before going to the kitchen, while saying:

 

"I’ll do my best not to poison us, but cooking is not my best skill!"

 

"I would love to help, but I’m probably even worse", he said, grinning. "Do you mind if I use your shower?"

 

"Make yourself at home", she nodded.

 

She was right, cooking wasn’t her best skill. But Bucky didn’t mind, He was with her and that’s all he needed to feel fine. They spent the evening laughing and watching stupid things on tv. She spent an hour or so presenting him all the actors she had crushes on (none of them looked like him, he thought, wondering what she found in him…), she talked about the book she was writing, though she refused to show him anything (“not yet”, she said…). He tried to steal her computer from her to look at her work and they started to tussle. He was so focused on not hurting her he didn’t even see the tickle coming. He screamed for mercy and as soon as she stopped, he put her on her back and roughly kissed her. They made love again before falling asleep in one another’s arms.

 

 

One thing Bucky hated in this new century was cell phones. He felt like he was being spied on all the time with that little thing. Why was it ringing now? He was sleeping so well. It was a nice dream, about her and… He bolted up. She was lying next to him, sleeping. She was so beautiful, her delicate features relaxed in her sleep, and still a little smile drifted on her lips… He wondered what she was dreaming about. And that god forsaken phone was still ringing. He didn’t want to wake her up. He searched for the damn thing in his pants and picked up.

 

"What’s going on?"

 

"Buck, I’m so sorry but we have a mission. We leave in an hour…" Steve’s voice came out of the phone.

 

"I’ll be right here"

 

"Bucky?" Steve added before Bucky could hang up "Did you two… fondue?"

 

Damn, he could hear the smirk even through the phone…

 

"Get loose, punk" he answered, without being able to stop smiling.

 

"See you, jerk", Steve answered, happy to find his Bucky was still here somewhere.

 

Bucky hanged up and started to get dressed. Once he was ready to go, he took Kim in his arms and carried her in her bed. He kissed her forehead and she tossed and turned.

 

"What time is it?" she muttered

 

"Too early. I have to go, I’m sorry. A mission. I’ll call you when I’m back"

 

She brutally opened her eyes and grabbed him by his arm.

 

"A… What?… Do you… Do you really have to go?" she asked.

 

He nodded. That was his job. His redemption. His salvation.

 

"Please, promise me… promise me you’ll be back. Be careful, Sergeant. I don’t want to lose you…" she whispered.

 

"I swear I’ll do my best", he answered, knowing it wasn’t enough, yet unable to do anything more.

 

He kissed her, stroke her cheek and the stood up and left without looking at her. He probably wouldn’t have gone otherwise. But he knew she could deal with it, she was a strong woman. And he would come back. After all, not even death managed to make him fall so far.


	4. Chapter 4

"Sergeant Barnes?"

 

"Yes Miss Potts?" Bucky turned around.

 

"There’s someone you should call, she’s been really worry you know…"

 

Bucky nodded. He should have known better, she was probably so pissed of now. He went to his room and took his cell phone. She picked up in the second.

 

"Bucky is that you? Are you alright?"

 

Well, she seemed more anxious than pissed off…

 

"I’m sorry Kim, I didn’t think it would be so long and…"

 

"Fucking hell, Buck I’ve been so worried!! It’s been a week, couldn’t you just call to tell me?" Her voice broke slightly.

 

"We were undercover. It won’t happen again, I’ll make sure they tell you… You’re being rude young lady…" he said, trying to relax her

 

"Fuck you, Barnes. It’s been the worst week of my life, I’ll swear if I want to, you hear me!!" she started yelling. "I thought you might have been… And Miss Potts couldn’t tell me anything…"

 

"I doubt she knows anything you know. I swear I won’t let this happen again, ok? Do you want me to come by?" he asked softly.

 

"Aren’t you already on your way?" she answered in the same way.

 

He could hear she was close to tears, but she wouldn’t cry. Kim has been through a few missions now, but this one had been the longest. And probably the most dangerous… It wasn’t planned to last so long, and he had no way to warned her. He knew she would worry, but he also knew she would not let this stop her from living her life. She was in the middle of her internship and they were starting to let her deal with important stuff, so she needed to keep her head in the game. And she was strong enough to deal with both things without falling apart. The first missions were harder for her to deal with, but she got along pretty quickly. The way she could adapt to almost anything that happened was truly amazing.

 

She ran in his arms when he arrived at her place. That was mostly where he lived now when S.H.I.E.L.D. didn’t need him. It was his home, even though he barely brought anything personal apart from some clothes. He had nothing to bring anyway. But she didn’t mind, she just wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. She asked him, as she always did when he was coming home, if he wanted to talk.

 

It had been a shitty week. They went on a mission that was supposed to be a couple of days long, with Clint and Steve and a lab rat who was needed for the mission. But everything went wrong, Steve got put down and hurt pretty badly while protecting the lab rat. By the time they planned something to get to him and still bring the mission to a successful conclusion, and then to contact S.H.I.E.L.D. to get extracted, a whole week was gone. Thank God Steve would be ok, eventually… Bucky felt guilty not to have done anything. He should have known, seen it coming.

 

But he couldn’t tell her that. Classified mission, secrecy and all this… So he shook his head and asked her about her internship. He liked to hear her talk about her life. It was so… normal. He envied her for that, and being around her allowed him, sometimes, to feel normal again. But even if it had been weeks, he could feel his demons were never far behind him. He could never be normal. Not anymore.

 

Kim felt Bucky was away, so she stopped talking and sat on his knees.

 

“You need to cut your hair, Sergeant Barnes”, she said, putting a lock of hair behind his ear. He looked at her.  “Where are you, Bucky? I need you with me, you know.”

 

He forced himself to smile at her. What was so wrong with him tonight?

 

“Sorry. Dark thoughts. Everything didn’t get as easy as we planned, and … well I’m not satisfied” Though it was a struggle to speak, he had to explain to her.

 

“But everyone is fine, right?” He nodded. “Then stop torturing yourself with what you could have done. It won’t work, you know…”

 

Bucky nodded again, more to please her than anything else. He just couldn’t help thinking he failed Steve again. She kissed him gently on his forehead, behind his ears, on his neck… As always she managed to make him forget, and he didn’t care if it was just for a moment. He lifted her as she weighted nothing and carried her to the bedroom, where he lost himself in her. These moments he felt right, where he belonged. He fell asleep holding her tight in his arms.

 

 

Why was he on this surgery table? He tried to move, but his arms were blocked in metal handcuffs. He could feel the panic rising in his chest, like a fire he couldn’t control. Where was he? Then he saw him. Steve was handcuffed on a table too, with people around him. Bucky couldn’t see what they were doing to him. He started to scream, to get their attention, to stop them, whatever they were doing. Everything felt so wrong, and the panic grew stronger and stronger. Someone put a hand on his shoulder, as to make him lay down and keep calm. He tear off his left handcuff and put his hand around that person’s throat. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt Steve. It was his job to keep him safe. They were together till the end of the line, right? He squeezed. He could feel her (it had to be a woman, such a small neck) hit his shoulders, his face, but with less and less strength…

 

“Bucky… Bucky stop please… You’re hurting me… BUCKY!”

 

That was barely a scream, it felt like she was out of air. Why was Kim screaming? He shook his head. Where the hell was he? Then it all came back. He returned from a mission. He was home. Home at Kim’s.

 

His heart missed a beat. He forced himself to let go. She started to take deep breaths, struggling as the oxygen came back in her lungs. He could see how much every single breath was a painful battle. Bucky was shaking so hard he couldn’t even move. He tried to come closer but she rose her head and the look on her face made him take a few steps back.

 

He should have known it. That one day, she would look at him like a monster too. It was only a matter of time, and now that was it.

 

“Kim, I’m…. I’m so terribly sorry, I didn’t mean…”

 

“Go away, please” Her voice was broken, tears started to run down her cheeks.

 

“Please, I can’t leave you like that, you need…”

 

“I need you to leave… please”, she begged him.

 

He just couldn’t hold the look of horror, of disgust in her eyes. He knew from the beginning it was the worst idea ever. His heart was breaking into pieces, but he obeyed and left. And for the first time in decades, Bucky Barnes cried.


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky heard a knock on his door.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

Natasha. He opened the door just enough so she could slip into the gap, and closed it back straight away.

 

“Steve is worried. A lot”, she said casually.

 

“Isn’t he always?” he answered abruptly.

 

Natasha didn’t answer. She just watched him carefully, without saying a word. After a while, she asked:

 

“Don’t you want to know how she is?”

 

He called her straight away when he left Kim’s apartment, asking her to go and take care of her, as she wouldn’t let him do it. He thought she would prefer to be with a woman, after what happened. And he didn’t want to talk about it with Steve. He wandered around in her street until he saw her, lying on a stretcher, and Natasha climb in an ambulance. He then came back to Stark Tower ad locked himself in his room. It was late, no one was awake. Until Natasha came back and knocked on his door, probably no one knew he was here. Steve called him twice on his phone, but he didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He would have burst out after the first word.

 

He seemed to be in such a pain, Natasha took his hands and, forcing him to look at her in her eyes, said

 

“She’ll be fine Bucky. She’s alive, she’s barely hurt. She’s gonna have quite marvelous bruises for a few days, but nothing permanent. She’s more in shock than anything else, really.”

 

“I knew it, Tash, I just knew it was the worst idea ever.”

 

Natasha jumped. He had not called her Tash, not since he trained her… among other things… But they wiped it out, and she never talked about it with him because he never seemed to recognize her. Except sometimes during trainings. She forced herself to speak again.

 

“Bucky, you couldn’t know you’d have a crisis. You didn’t for months. And she knew what she was facing. You didn’t hide her anything, remember? She just need time to process now. It’s been a tough night for her. Don’t give up on her yet, would you?”

 

“What if I don’t wake up next time, Natasha?”

 

“What if there’s no next time Buck? How could you know?”

 

“You don’t understand”, he said, turning away from her.

 

He looked at his left hand, filled with disgust for himself. How could he? How could he do that to her? She was the first good thing that happened to him for such a long time, and he tried to kill her. Damn, he nearly succeeded. He still didn’t know what awoke him. He felt sick. He didn’t even hear Natasha leaving the room, leaving him with his gloomy thoughts.

 

 

He lost conscience of time. He was just staying in his room, days and nights. Refusing to speak to anyone. Until Steve got pissed off and smashed in. Steve still looked tired and in a poor state. Bucky felt even guiltier about that. Kim, Steve… was there anyone who could one day count on him?

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you, buddy…” he started

 

“Shut up Buck”, Steve interrupted. “I know what happened with Kim. Are you going to stay there and starve to death?”

 

“Steve, I don’t want to…”

 

“I don’t care, Bucky. Go see her. Tell her you’re sorry…”

 

“Already have. Told me to go away.”

 

“Bucky… Please, write to her, call her, do something. You’ve been here for almost two years, and these last months, I finally feel like my old Bucky is starting to come back. I don’t know what she does to you, I don’t care, but you need her. And she loves you, pal… You should see how she looks at you… Just try… For me, would you?”

 

Steve nearly died because of Bucky, how could he refuse anything? He nodded, looking out of the window. It was snowing… Oddly funny, he thought with resentment… just when the Winter Soldier finally made his come-back…

 

“And Bucky…” Steve waited until Bucky accepted to look at him in his eyes. “Stop blaming yourself every time one of us get hurt, ok? It’s our job, it’s dangerous. And you can’t always be here to save everyone.”

 

“I should have tried. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you”

 

“You always are, Buck. I never doubted that. Now dinner is in half an hour, if you don’t come, I’ll be back to drag you to the living room, ok?”

 

Bucky couldn’t help smiling slightly imagining the scene. Steve left after a little tap on his shoulder. Well then, if Steve wanted him to try, he should try…

 

“ _My dearest Kim,_

_I don’t even know how to start this. I could explain to you, I could give you reasons. But I just want you to know how sorry I am. I can barely sleep these last nights, I keep on seeing myself killing you. I feel sick, dirty, infected._

_I’m so sorry. I know I’m a monster. I know I don’t deserve you. My heart is in ruin. You are an angel. And for a moment I thought you would heal me. I knew it could be dangerous, and still I decided I wanted it. Because you make me feel alive again. Because I love you. I was a fool. You nearly died because I was too selfish to let you go. And even so, I can’t stand life without you._

_Natasha told me you were going to be fine. I hope you’ll recover quickly. Would you let me know if you would accept my visit?_

_Please accept my apologies, though they will never be enough. I would do anything to redeem myself._

_I’m sorry._

_Forever yours,_

_Bucky”_

 

Natasha brought her the letter the next day. Kim didn’t read it in front of her, so she brought no response back. Bucky tried to get out of his room more often, but he was still quite gloomy and Steve seemed to be the only one who could stand him. Steve told him he was wrong.

 

“You know they’d all love to help you, but none of us knows how. Natasha is talking to Kim, trying to explain to her what happened to you and how it still affects you…”

 

“I already told her”

 

“Yes, but now she knows. And maybe she needs an outside look. She’s listening to her, so so far it’s not that bad, right? And for the rest of us… Well we know there’s nothing you can do against a sorrow of love…”

 

“I never asked you… Did you ever see Agent Carter again?” Bucky asked after a silence.

 

“You remember Peggy?” Steve seemed surprised.

 

“I remember more and more these days, but it’s still quite blurry…”

 

“Yes I saw her again… She has a whole family now…. She’s dying”, Steve added sadly.

 

Bucky didn’t know what to answer. He just stayed next to his best friend, both deeply in their own thoughts.

 

“ _My dearest Kim,_

_You didn’t answer my last letter. I hope I haven’t lost you forever._

_My life is empty since you’ve gone. I can’t stand another day without seeing you beautiful smile. My heart aches from your absence._

_I’ll be at your place by next Thursday. Please put a red handkerchief at your window if you do not wish to see me. I’ll never bother you again._

_But know you’ll always be safe, as I’ll watch over your life as my most precious treasure. I hope to see you soon._

_Always yours,_

_Bucky_

 

 _PS: Tony says I’m creepy. I don’t understand. I just want you to be happy. I can understand you can’t be with such a damaged good as I am. Know that I’ll respect your choice whichever it is. I’ll love you forever. Bucky_.”

 

Natasha told him Kim was leaving hospital tomorrow, so he walked to her place and put the letter himself in her mailbox. At least he was sure she would get it.

 

The next two days were the longest ever. When Thursday finally arrived, he sneaked out of the Tower and started his watch over her apartment. He thought he would leave her until 10 to make her choice. 3 hours to go. He could help watching her windows, trying to see her through the curtains, even though she probably wasn’t even awake…

 

He would hold his word. Whatever her choice would be. He would not let anything ever happen to her again. Even if it was the only thing he would have to do. He swore. Again. And again. Until his heart broke… When he saw it… The red handkerchief.

 


	6. Chapter 6

« Sergeant Barnes? Are you with me? » Director Coulson asked softly.

 

Bucky never heard this guy raising his voice. Steve told him a story about him being dead on the first Avengers mission, but clearly here was another one who found his way back…

 

“Yes Sir, pardon me Sir”, Bucky answered.

 

“Your first solo mission. We are very happy with your service so far. We thought it was time. I know you’ve been through a lot lately, and it would allow you to get away for a while…”

 

How long was a while? He could ask Natasha or Steve to look after Kim while he was gone. He knew they would not say no.

 

Bucky kept his word. He never tried to contact her ever again, no matter how much it hurt him. Sometimes she probably felt his eyes on her, or sensed she was followed, and she would turn around, looking for something, someone in the crowd. But one thing he mastered was not being seen unless he wanted to. He was always amazed how beautiful she was. The bruises – the ones he made to her- finally faded away, and she started to smile again, once in a while. Every time he was coming back from a mission, he would first go check on her, and then allow himself to rest. He still loved her, deeply, and it still hurt him to see her going along without him.

 

“It’s a reconnaissance mission. You don’t act unless given the order. You leave tomorrow.”

 

“Yes Sir”

 

Bucky left the director office. S.H.I.E.L.D. was just starting again. It’d been two years since HYDRA, and Director Coulson started all from ashes. Bucky had enough respect for him to know that what Coulson just did was a great proof of trust. And he would not let S.H.I.E.L.D. down.

 

Natasha accepted to keep an eye on Kim while he was away. She knew what it meant to him, she would not betray his trust. And, unlike Tony, she never called him a “creepy stalker”, which was rather nice…

 

The reconnaissance mission started rather well. The first two days, he managed to get a rough plan of the place and the number of people working in it. Then something went wrong. They knew he was here, they started looking for him. He managed to escape a couple of time. His mission wasn’t complete, so it was out of the question to leave yet. He should have. They caught him. They probably put their whole security team in the field. Some of them were definitely out. But they injected him with some sleeping drugs, and it weakened him enough to be defenseless.  He was dragged into the facility, even though he managed to snap one more neck on the way. They knocked him out, and the last thing he thought about was that he failed again.

 

He regained consciousness suddenly. It was exactly like his worst nightmares. He was tied up to a surgical table, unable to move, he couldn’t even turn his head. He tried to tear off the bonds, but without success.

 

“Adamantium, my friend. Said to be the most resistant metal alloy ever found. Your arms will never overcome this… Even that little wonder on your left arm.” The man talking to him was a tall, thin, elegant guy. No danger from him, Bucky thought.

 

“What do you want from me?” Bucky groaned.

 

“Well, first of all, how should I call you…. Sergeant Barnes? Or… The Winter Soldier, maybe?”

 

Bucky closed his eyes a second.

 

“I’m not responding to that name anymore.”

 

“Oh no, but don’t believe for one second you stopped being him.”

 

“Let me go.”

 

“Or?… I’m sorry, Sergeant, but I do have some questions for you… Who are you working for now?”

 

Bucky closed his eyes again, refusing to answer.

 

“Tt Tt Tt… We both know how this is going to end, Sergeant… And I’d be sorry to hurt you…”

 

Bucky kept his eyes closed. There was no way he was going to betray S.H.I.E.L.D. He tried to imagine Kim’s face, Steve’s one, to calm the beating of his heart. He hold on to one though: “I’ve already been through this, and I survived… I survived it several times. I can do it, I can…”

 

He still couldn’t hold his screaming when the pain came. Electric shocks. He knew that, he could handle…. He screamed again, as the pain became excruciating. He couldn’t say how long it lasted, but he managed to stay conscious all the way. When they stopped, his body was shaking uncontrollably.

 

“Who are you working with? Are you with S.H.I.E.L.D.? With this incapable Captain America?”

 

Bucky looked away. The man made a sign to one of the security member. Oh fine, some beat up. Nothing he couldn’t handle either. Bucky withdrew in himself, trying to keep the pain away. He tried to remember all the good times he had with Kim, all he could remember of Steve, and when the pain became too much to handle, he allowed himself to pass out.

 

But he didn’t stay unconscious long. The elegant man, the one in charge, didn’t quite seem to like the lack of motivation that Bucky was showing. Bucky slowly lost any timescale. He was struggling with pain when he was awake, with nightmares when he fainted. They didn’t even ask him anything anymore. It looked like they only wanted to see how far they could go before breaking him. What they didn’t know was that he was already broken. They could do nothing against him. He held on, supported by the idea he couldn’t fail his friends anymore. He had to go through this. Help wouldn’t come, he knew it; there was no extraction plan. But he couldn’t break. He just held on because he couldn’t do anything else.

 

He didn’t know how long it lasted, but he never thought he would be so happy to ever see the Iron Man coming by. Through the roof? Bucky didn’t really believe his own eyes as he was barely conscious and kept having hallucinations. Maybe that was just another one. The shots seemed quite real though…

 

“Well Grandpa, how was the rest cure?” Tony’s voice was distorted through the helmet.

 

Bucky couldn’t even answer. He managed to grin weakly. Tony tore off the shackles, grabbed him and fly off the roof. A S.H.I.E.L.D. helicopter was waiting in stand-by above the facility. Steve grabbed Bucky and lay him down on the floor.

 

“Hey pal”, he said, reassured to see his friend still alive. “What a start for a first solo mission…”

 

Bucky could see Steve was quite worried when he looked at his wounds.

 

“I’ll be… fine… Steve… Don’t worry… ‘ve been through worse… much worse…” he forced himself to say, ignoring the pain in his chest.

 

“I’ll take care of you, Buck, you’ll be ok…”

 

“Steve… How long?… how is she?…” he interrupted him.

 

“She’s fine. Nothing happened to her, and Natasha took good care of her, don’t worry. Just hold on, try to stay with…..”

 

Bucky never heard the end of the sentence. She was fine. All was well. He could rest a little. He closed his eyes and let himself drown.


	7. Chapter 7

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Steve, asleep on the couch. Then, when he lifted his hand, he saw a red handkerchief, tied around his right wrist. His heart skipped a few beats, as he wondered what it meant.

“Hey Bucky! Nice to see you in the land of the living again!”

He turned his head to see Natasha coming in his room. He had to try twice before being able to correctly speak.

“Hospital?” he asked.

“S.H.I.E.L.D. facility. Less questions. You have amazing healing capacities. Good for you, otherwise you’d probably be dead”, she added.

Their voices had awaken Steve. He smiled at Bucky, relieved to finally see him regain consciousness.

“Would you stop scaring us that way, please?” he said.

“Well thank god it was an easy mission, right?” Bucky replied, unsuccessfully trying to smile.

Steve told him that when they didn’t see Bucky come back after the three days his mission was supposed to last, Steve and Tony went to see director Coulson to form a rescued mission. Coulson agreed right away, and Tony, Clint, Sam and Steve went to get him. They destroyed the facility on the way, even if Bucky never found out what it was they were doing.

“Coulson said that if they could torture an agent who tries to find out what they are doing, then it’s probably no worth keeping. Tony had a lot of fun blowing it all up… I think he likes you, he didn’t like the shape in which he discovered you…” Steve observed. “None of us did. You really got close on that one, Bucky…”

“No, it was fine. I’ve been worse. Don’t worry, I’ll be up in no time”, Bucky said, trying to sit.

But he fell back without being able to hold back a moan of pain.

“Stop playing the tough guy, Buck. Get some rest…” Natasha laughed at him.

Steve started to walk to the door. Bucky grabbed Natasha’s hand.

“Natasha… what is…?” he showed her his right wrist.

“Sleep, Bucky, and I might tell you once you get better”

They left him alone. This conversation had left him exhausted. So he did as he had been told, and fell asleep in no time.

  
He was alone when he woke up again. It was dark in his room. He decided to try to wake up. It took him 5 minutes just to sit on his bed, as every move he made was as painful as if someone punched him in the chest… With a knife. And he was still under medication. Well he wouldn’t be out in no time on this one… He tried to wake up nevertheless. He heard the door opening up as he tried to take a step. He nearly fell…

Nearly, because someone caught him up. He could have recognize her arms anywhere. And he smelled her perfume before she even touched him. She made him sit on the bed, and he put his arms around her, holding her against him. Just to feel her presence. He closed his eyes, hoping it wasn’t a hallucination again. Then he felt her fingers stroking his hair. He hold her tighter as he broke down in tears.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry for everything”, he kept on repeating.

“Hey, Bucky… sergeant! Look at me”, Kim said, taking his face between her hands. “I know… I know you are… And I’m sorry too… I’m sorry that I am a fucking stubborn idiot. I missed you so much. I regretted every day that fucking handkerchief… I knew you were following me, and I wanted to talk to you, but you never let me come close again…”

“I swore…”

“I know… I’m the only one to blame here. But now here is what I swear… No matter what happen, I’ll always be here for you, Sergeant Barnes… Bucky, I’m not afraid of you… I might be afraid of your past once in a while, but don’t hold it against me, ok?”

“I nearly failed you again back there… I just want you to be safe…”

“Buck… You NEVER failed me, you hear me?”

The unsuccessful attempt to stand up and the conversation had emptied Bucky of all his remaining energy. He suddenly went pale. Kim helped him lay down again, concerned to see him breath so fast. The pain was back. He tried to hide it, but she could see it.

“Do you want me to go get someone?” she asked.

“No! Stay here, please…. Just stay here…”

He opened his arms, and she lay down next to him, careful not to hurt him. He closed his arm on her, holding her tight against him. He stuffed his nose in her hair, breathing her perfume. He could feel her every respiration, and slowly his own breath calmed down to synchronize with hers.

Everything was going to be fine.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, it was a promise made to Kamikazekatze that explain the addition of chapter 8 and the epilogue. First time ever writing explicit stuff, so... be nice! ^^

Bucky was lost the day she had to go back to Germany. He didn’t know what to do with himself. No mission to accomplish, no Kim to take care of. He felt emptied. As if he had been wiped again.  
The first days he spent wandering in his quarters, refusing to speak, refusing to eat. She called of course, as soon as she landed and every day that followed, every time she could. But he felt like he was falling apart without her. And he was sure she could hear it in his voice. Or maybe Steve or Natasha told her. He had to force himself to speak but he could spend hours just listening to her. He didn’t even try with the others.  
Steve force his way in his quarters after third day and he bawled like the mother hen he tended to be around Bucky when it was “bad days”. Then Bucky had to pretend. He was quite good at it. Years of training… But a part of his mind was always thinking about her…. Where was she? What was she doing? With who?  
He sent her letters, she called him, telling him she would find a way to come back in the US, maybe if she found a job or something… So he waited. Counted the days. How could it hurt so much? He’d been lonely most of his life, when did she take so much place in her life he felt there was no oxygen in the air when she was gone?  
Nightmares went back, uglier, more violent now she wasn’t there anymore to chase them away. But he held on. He’d been through worse.

  
"Wipe him and start over"

Bucky fought the arm-shackles but they were too tight. It couldn’t be real. This voice… He knew this voice… But he was gone. It was over.

"Erase everything"

No, no… He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let them wipe her. He wouldn’t forget her. He started struggling even more, but they strengthened the bonds and he could barely move.

He screamed at them as he heard the system starting up. He screamed as the well-known pain spread in his whole body. His bionic arm finally managed to tear off the bond on his left arm, and all he needed after that was a few seconds to take off the rest.

All he could feel was the panic creeping in at the idea they might take her off his head… And it increased when he thought about Steve… and the others… He was finally stable, he even had memories from before, and he knew that if he lost it all, he would just be an instrument again. Something to give orders to. So he fought them. His body was on autopilot. He could hear the screams of fear, of pain. He felt the bones breaking in his hands. He was in fury. Once he got rid of Pierce bodyguards, he got his left hand on his throat and started squeezing, slowly, enjoying the panic in the eyes of his tormentor.

But the panic was still spreading, his heart was beating too fast in his chest, he couldn’t breathe, as thought he was the one being strangled.

He heard loud banging noises that he tried to ignore at first.

"Bucky!!! Bucky open the damn door!!"

Steve. It was Steve’s voice. What the hell? He wouldn’t allow him to kill Pierce, he had to finish him off before he entered…

Bucky struggled to come back to reality… His room, he was in his room. His devastated room. Not one piece of furniture was standing, everything was broken, ripped off, in pieces. His throat hurt. He probably screamed in pain and angst.

"Bucky, please, tell me you’re fine…"

He swallowed hard, trying to force his voice to come out.

"I’m ok… Just… nightmare"

"Let me in"

He didn’t answer. He rolled in fetal position, on the ground.

"I didn’t forget you, you know", he muttered, closing his eyes to picture her face. He missed her so much… "Kim, I swore I’d never forget… I’m still waiting…"

When Steve finally decided to knock off the door, he found Bucky in the same position, muttering things he couldn’t understand. He just sat next to him and waited, knowing that was the only thing he could do for his friend.


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, it was a promise made to Kamikazekatze that explain the addition of chapter 8 and the epilogue. First time ever writing explicit stuff, so... be nice! ^^

Bucky was nervous. She’d been gone for a whole month, and it felt like ten years to him. And today, eventually, Kim was coming back. He couldn’t stand still and felt locked up at the tower, so he wandered around in the town until it was time to go and get her.

Tony had been marvelous. Things were going better and better between them. Bucky didn’t ask for anything, he never dared except with Steve. How could he ask for anything, after everything they already did for him? And yet, Tony and Miss Potts tried to have Kim hired in Stark industry but the government refused to believe they could have any use of an historical expert and denied her any work permit. But then they went to Director Coulson. Bucky would never have asked him anything. Superiors are to give orders. To decide. To wipe. In another life. It took Director Coulson less than a day to find Kim a place in S.H.I.E.L.D. administration and to get the work and residence permit.

 

He acted like he was fine after Steve’s little stir. He fooled them all, except Steve of course. But he was fine with it. They talked about it, on rare occasions, but Bucky tend to be more and more silent as the days passed.

That night Bucky had destroyed the room after a nightmare, Steve waited for hours for him to stand up. When Bucky did, he just asked Steve to talk about anything, as he was vacantly staring at the wall.

“Bucky…” Steve started, after almost an hour of monologue “I know how you feel buddy… It’s been hell when I came back and I couldn’t go see Peggy… But _you_ will see her again, there’re no reason…”

 “I need a mission” was the only answer he got. Bucky didn’t want to talk about the nightmares coming back. He just locked himself in his quarters at night, so he wouldn’t end up hurting anyone. But he needed to keep his head busy, so he wouldn’t feel the emptiness creeping in, and the nightmares were less awful then. So he never stopped. As soon as a mission was over, he volunteered for another. And of course, Steve followed. It was harder to hide the nightmares on long missions, so Bucky simply didn’t sleep, sometimes for days. He was fine that way. Better that than anything else that could happen otherwise. Steve noticed, how would he not? But he didn’t say anything, he just stayed awake with him, and talked when Bucky asked him to.

 

He usually preferred writing to phone calls, maybe because speaking was so exhausting for him these days. But when Tony came to tell him she was clear to come back, he called Kim right away. He was always scared that, once far away from him, she would prefer the coziness of her life to the danger of his and that she would tell him she wouldn’t come back. But as usual, she proved him wrong. She said she could be ready whenever they wanted. Tony sent her his private plane the next day, and here was Bucky, on the tarmac, waiting for it to bring her back.

He ignored the security guard that shouted at him when he ran toward the plane once it started to slow down. By the time he arrived next to it, Kim was already half way down the stairs. When she saw him, she rushed down the rest of it and jumped on him. He opened his arms and stuffed his nose in her neck. He took a deep breath, smelling her delicious perfume. He immediately relaxed as she laughed. He kept her in his arms.

“Would you put me down, please?” she said with a smile.

He shook his head, his nose still in her neck. He was feeling fine for the first time in a month, and there was no way he would let her go.

“I’m not going anywhere, Bucky, and you are not going to carry me to the car!” she added

“Yes I am”, he muttered against her skin.

“Sergeant… I need you to help me with my luggage… And as I’m not leaving anymore, let me tell you there are many!!” she objected.

He raised his head, looked at her in the eyes while taking her face between his hands and he kissed her. A long, breath-taking kiss that left Kim blushing as Happy Hogan stepped out of Tony’s car to help with the luggage, a slight smile floating on his lips. Bucky smiled at her.

“I forgot how pretty you were when you blushed” he told her, gently stroking her cheek.

She slapped his shoulder while he burst out laughing. He felt good. Light. And she couldn’t help smiling back at him. They turned to Hogan and helped him load the car.

As soon as it was done, he went back to her, took her hand and during the whole journey, he held her in his arms, tightly, as though he was scared she would disappear. He stuffed his nose back in the nape of her neck and closed his eyes. Kim let him, happy to see him well after a month worrying about him. Steve told her Bucky wasn’t dealing well with her leaving, but she could feel it anyway in Bucky’s voice the few times he managed to force himself into talking. She put her arms around his neck and gently stroke his hair as he whispered

“Don’t ever leave me again, please…”

She kissed his forehead and tighten her grip as an answer. They stayed that way for a while. He was taking deep breaths, just to be surrounded by her scent.

“I like the new haircut” she broke the silence.

“I know. You told me it suited me, remember? When we went to the Smithsonian?” She nodded. Of course she remembered. It was their last day together before she left. “I thought… I don’t know, I wanted to make you happy…”

“You don’t need to cut your hair for that… Even if I like it. You look younger”, she smiled at him, gently stroking his face.

He took her hand, forcing her to leave it against his cheek.

“Er… Sir, miss?” Hogan cleared his throat. “We’re there.”

Bucky opened his eyes immediately and let her loose after kissing her nose.

 

“I hope they behaved” Tony shouted to Hogan as soon as they stepped out of the car hand in hand.

“Tony, I’m not sure I missed this part of your glorious personality” Kim laughed as he kissed her cheeks.

“I’m sure you did my love”, he answered with a smirk and a pat on Bucky’s shoulder. “Need help with the luggage, Grandpa?”

“Get loose Stark”, Bucky said without being able to help smiling.

 

 

They spent the evening in one another’s arms. Like Bucky couldn’t let her go too far from him. And she was fine with it. She knew they couldn’t compare what they’d been through, but it had been tough for her too. She was happy to be back at her place, in his arms. Steve told her her “job” with S.H.I.E.L.D. should interest her.

“You are going to help making research about HYDRA in the Smithsonian archives. They try to figure out who infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D. besides Zola… Coulson thought you would like it better than a classical office job…”

“Oh… my… You mean I’m going to have access to the biggest… and the more interesting… documentations about …. and …. holy shit!” He eyes widened as she measured her chance. “Are you kidding? I’m really… Am I??”

They all started to laugh at her excitement. She stopped talking and looked at them with a pout, but quickly laughed with them.

“Thank you very much. For everything” she said, to both Tony and Miss Potts. “And please thanks Director Coulson for me. It’s more than I would have ever hoped. It’s perfect…”

Bucky squeezed her hand and smiled.

“I guess we both thank you”, he forced himself to say. It didn’t matter that it was complicated for him. He wanted them to know how grateful he was. “I’m sorry I’ve been hard to deal with lately and…”

“Don’t worry Grandpa”, Tony interrupted him. “It was a genuine pleasure. Not only are you a merry companion when she’s around, but I like her, so… It’s a win-win really” he added, winking at her.

Bucky smiled, silently thanking him for helping him out with that one.

 

 

After wishing everyone a good night, he led her to his quarters. He closed the door behind them and push her against it, roughly kissing her. He skimmed one hand up her back while the other went to cup her face. He stroked her neck with his thumb and enjoyed the low noise of pleasure she made against his lips.  Her tongue slid against his, and she ran her hands over his chest. He broke away from her mouth and pressed his forehead against hers. Their eyes locked, and she toyed with the buttons on his shirt

"Let me help you," he said with a smile.

“Yes please, Sergeant”, she answered with a smirk.

She handled the top few buttons while he went for the bottom ones. They met in the middle and he shrugged the shirt off. He helped her pull her t-shirt over her head and tossed it away. He kissed her again, biting her lower lips as she had his belt undone. His hands were floating on her, getting her bra out of the way. She gasped when he started to kiss and gently bite her breast. As a revenge, he felt her hand slipping in his pants and grapping his hard length, snatching a muffled moan out of his throat.

He unfasted her pants with one hand while the other kept on playing with her breast. He could hear her breath accelerating, which pleased him. He dropped to his knees and ran his tongue along the inside of her thighs as she let her fingers drag into his hair. He kissed and licked his way up to her, each inch rewarded by a louder moan. He went up, kissing and licking her stomach as she called his name, panting.

“Don’t stop, please, Bucky…” she moaned.

But he kept on going up, gently biting her nipple on the way and then kissing her neck. She grabbed him as they savagely kissed. As they did, his left hand slipped over her stomach and started to gently stroke her as he looked at her straight in the eyes. She gasped as he went more firmly until she couldn’t help rocking her hips against his hand. She clung on him and moan his name, her head stuffed in his neck, heavy breathing. She was ready. He slid two fingers in her, and the cold touch of it made her moan even louder. He knew how to do, barely had to move them at all, just recalibrating the bionic fingers would do the trick. Her breath was more and more erratic as he slowly moved in her, stroking in and out. She called his name again and he went faster. She hold on his shoulder as the orgasm rippled through her. He hold her up so she wouldn’t fall as she struggled to get a breath back.

He rested his head against her neck and gently kissed it.

“I missed that too, she said panting. He could feel her laugh in his whole body, and that made him shiver. She was soft, and warm. She was his.

Once she got her breath back, he carried her to the bedroom and laid her down on the bed. He took off his shoes and pants and finished unclothing her too. She then forced him to lay on his back and ran her fingertip up and down the length of his manhood. He swallowed hard, looking straight in her eyes as she leaned toward him. She started to kiss his forehead, the tip of his nose, the corner of his lips as her hand ran more firmly up and down… He grabbed her around the waist and pull her back on her back. He stared at her for a second before sliding in her slowly. She gasped and dug her nails in his back. He thrust deeper, hard and slow as she moaned louder, until she rocked against him. He kissed the side of her neck, gently and she could feel him smiling. He stayed without moving for a few second, enjoying the feeling.

“Don’t fall asleep, would you Sergeant”, she whispered to him, moving her hips against his. She laughed as he bit her ear lobe as an answer and the feeling of her around him nearly overwhelmed him. He started moving, slower at first and then faster and harder. Her legs tightened around his hips. Their pace quickened and he called her name, kissing every inch of skin he could. Her hands were drawing random lines on his back and torso, sending shivers down his spine. Their breaths were heavier and heavier and she loudly moaned when his left hand went down on her again. Her head fell back and he pinned both her hands back above her head as she rocked forward to meet him, calling his name. He felt her come again, and, gathering her close, he buried his face in her neck as he came too after a few more thrusts.

He stood still for a while, careful not to crush her under his weight. Then he rolled on his back, keeping her in his arms and stroking her hair as she struggled to breathe normally. She ran her finger along his torso and he traced his hands up the line of her back, without speaking a single word.

“I love you so much” he finally whispered. “I felt like I died a little every day when you were gone. I don’t want to feel that ever again. Please. Don’t ever leave me again” his voice broke.

She leaned on his torso to raise and look at him in the eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere anymore, Bucky.” She said. “I swear. I missed you too, terribly. And I love you. More than I ever loved anyone. Ok?”

He nodded and smiled at her. They both started to fall asleep when he suddenly said “Taser is in the drawer. Just in case…”

It was her turn to reluctantly nod. She hated the damn thing and felt sick every time she had to use it but when Bucky was having what he called “crisis”, it was the only thing that could wake him up before he hurt her. So she dealt with it, but hated herself for it. He nearly killed her once, she wasn’t fool enough to forget it. But it wasn’t his fault and she knew he probably still hated himself for it, so when they decided to find a way to make it work and he came up with this, she agreed. It was effective, it was needed. She hoped it was just for now… She had the impression he had less and less nightmares by the end of her last stay…  She had hopes he would be fine soon…. She let the silence run for a while, then…

“Bucky?”

He muttered, already half asleep.

“Sergeant, I’m not sleepy….”

Bucky opened one eye and couldn’t help smiling. He knew that face. And that tone… Oh well, he wasn’t that tired either. He grabbed her hair and kissed her as she put herself on top of him. If that’s what she wanted, he had to oblige, right?

 

 

When, much later, they finally fell asleep, Bucky was holding Kim tight against him. The last thought that popped up in his mind before he sank was that he would not let go. Never again.

 

 


End file.
